Online Dating: Best Advice and Practices

Aren't you sick of hearing about how awful online dating is? I am. Mostly because, I tried it and it worked out well for me. I not only met my husband but also a bunch of other really nice guys. So why do people bash it? Why do they give sweeping statements like, "It's awful" or "the worst" without specifics on what they did or didn't do?
Not long ago I met a woman who ended her 20-year marriage, and worried about the prospect of dating again. When I asked her if she'd tried Internet dating, she scoffed, "No way! A friend of mine did it and said it was horrible."
Normally, that's where the conversation might end. But I didn't let it go. I asked her how many dates her friend had been on. She wasn't sure. I asked her specifically what her friend said that was "horrible" about it. She didn't know.
As a writer, I need to get to the heart of things. I wrote my book about how to create a profile that gets attention after many daters complained to me that they weren't getting the online attention they desired. Naturally, I asked this woman more questions and she finally admitted that what scared her about Internet dating was that she didn't "get it."
I think it's time for some real information about Internet dating, don't you think?
Don't Fear the Unknown
Online dating scares some midlifers because they've never done it. Plain and simple, they don't understand it. But Internet dating is actually one of the best ways to get introduced to people. It's good for folks who are dating again or are very busy because of the variety of people on the site.
To really determine if Internet dating will work for you or not, you've got to: create a great profile, email people, set up a coffee date, and follow up. Without each one of those components, you aren't really Internet dating.
Don't Listen to Stories From Friends
It takes a lot of things to make Internet dating work, and the first one of those is attitude. If your friend tells you her experience "was horrible," ask her some specifics. When I did this, I found that some daters weren't ready to date at all, let alone online. Many of them admitted that when they got emails from someone, they weren't ready to meet them. Or they put up a lackluster profile half-thinking that if they didn't get a response it would prove that Internet dating wouldn't work anyway.
Self-sabotage happens when you're uncomfortable and not ready for dating again. Just because a friend didn't enjoy Internet dating doesn't mean you won't. Ask them plenty of questions so you can learn from their experience.
Think of Internet Dating As an Introduction
Have you ever asked a friend to set you up with someone? Internet dating does the same thing. It's an introduction. It's not a way to have your perfect mate delivered to your inbox without any work from you. You'll have to make conversation and find out more about someone before you decide if you like them enough for a real date, just like you would if a friend introduced you to someone at a party.
The biggest mistake midlifers make is assuming that they know someone online because they've emailed a few times. They write off people who could be great for them or assume that they've found a love match, all before they've even met the person!
You're Bound to Meet Someone You Don't Click With
Another thing I hear from those down on Internet dating is that they met someone once that they didn't like. Well let me ask you, so then if a friend sets you up, you always like that person? Or if you meet someone out at a party, you always hit it off?
Of course not. You can meet people you don't end up clicking with anywhere. You can meet them yourself, talk with them at the grocery store, and then by the time you go out decide that they're weird and you don't like them. The point is, it takes time to find the right person, regardless of how you meet them.
Internet Dating Takes Time and Patience
I have yet to hear from someone that gave Internet dating a real try (meaning that they put up a good profile, took the time to meet a few folks, and spent three to six months giving it a shot) that said it was horrible. Just the opposite. Very often, when someone tells me they put in the time and patience that Internet dating requires, they ended up meeting someone very special.
Like anything worthwhile in life, Internet is work. It takes time. If it's not for you, that's okay, because they are plenty of other ways to meet people. But if a friend wants to try it, be careful about casually bashing it just because you don't get it.

Three horror tales of online dating

With Internet dating a viable and popular choice, anyone going this route still needs to decide how to select and be selected, judge and be judged.
I say this because of the vast number of stories I hear about online dating disasters and disappointments. For every successful match with a prince/princess (yes, there are stories of extremely happy long-term relationships that started online) a lot of frogs of both genders clutter the path.
Here are some women’s horror stories from the online trenches. (I’ll be happy to publish men’s horror stories if you send them to me.)
I’ll follow up tomorrow, with advice to those who are tired of had online experiences.
Reader 1: “I found that out of all the men’s profiles I was sent, the vast majority contained lies, mostly about age. Or about how long they’d been out of a relationship, if at all. One man said he was living in a basement apartment and visiting his kids on weekends. It didn’t ring true, as he was in banking and talked about making a lot of money, so it seemed strange he was living in someone’s basement.
“On the third date, I insisted he take me to his apartment, as he’d hesitated when I’d previously asked questions about his place. One look and I knew he didn’t live there: no photos, no work-related papers, it looked unused.
“He protested that he wasn’t there much, but when I said I was never going out with him again so he might as well come clean, he confessed he still lived with his wife — but they never slept together. Yeah, right.”
Reader 2: “My profile says I’m athletic, love spending time doing sports and hiking, work in the physical health and fitness field and would never smoke. My photo shows a whole-body view of me in a dress. I am slim and toned. Yet many men who emailed me were visibly and heavily overweight and some were also smokers.
“On the second date with a fit-looking guy who was athletic (though 10 years older than he said), he suggested we stop going out on dates and just eat at home and watch TV.
“In my profile I noted that I love music and being out on the town. I hardly know the guy, so why would I want to settle down to a routine of staying home so fast? It wasn’t about money, because I paid my way on those first two dates, and he had a good job.
“I found that guys like him, in their 40s and never been married, are just too set in their ways.”
Reader 3: “Online dating really did my head in and wounded my self-esteem even though I’m an independent and accomplished woman. Even if I didn’t want to get serious with a guy, the repeated rejections became upsetting. I hadn’t expected to be pursued by everyone, but some people were just too cold. I liked one man enough to sleep with him after a few dates, and he never even texted me the next day or ever called again.
“Nothing negative happened when we had sex. He should’ve at least sent a courtesy text. He could’ve later explained that he’d started to see someone else, whatever.
“I hate the interview people do on those first dates — what could be less boring and more useless than ‘What’s your favourite colour?’ I’d come home whipped and depressed.”